Liberation: My Quest to Find True Freedom

Each day I am amazed by the realization of God's purposefulness in everything He created. Little things. Like the fact that the sun is faithful in rising to a new beginning each day...and falls to signal that the day is past. Thank you Jesus that you promise me a new life...every day...as long as I choose to embrace it.

I am disgusted with the thought that I will continue to fall, as I did today, for the rest of my life. It makes me sick to think of how unworthy I am. I wonder when I will learn. Yet, what beauty there is in being at the feet of my nailed-pierced Savior. What awe to realize as I look up into His eyes and see Power, yet meekness...and grace.

I am forever convinced that the Church is my home. Not the building...the institution...but the fellowship...the Heart of Christ....and the experience that God desires me to have with His people. It almost seems to me that we live to the beat of a Heart so much greater than our own...yet we all beat in synchronicity. It's like when we finally grasp hold of God...we are given a new heart...the Heart of Christ. That we all have in common. What a privilege...to experience just a piece of what God wants for us here on earth...just a piece of what communion truly means. Thank you Jesus for the love of friends...for the accountability that love calls for....for the righteousness You demand. Thank you for never settling for me to be less than what You want...even when I do. thank you for placing friends in my life that speak Your Truth.

From this moment on, I give it up to You Father. I want to live a life of real Worship. Authentic worship. The nitty-gritty kinda messy worship. Father....help me strip and tear away the barriers I have on Who I think you are.

It's the big 1-7 tomorrow. 17. I can't believe it. I still feel like I should be running around with my friends playing ninja turtles or kick the can. I've been through 17 years of life. And then a question comes to mind. What do I have to show for it? Part of me would like to say that...i have nothing...nothing to show for it...because i could have done such a better job. But thats not true. There are so many moments in each day that I'm reminded of a past memory. Of times when I was little. Of times that God has been amazing. Of times that I felt love for the first time. Of times of a broken heart. Of times of God's discipline. Of...the promise of life.

I'm so excited. I still have so much ahead of me!

I hate myself sometimes. I hate when I make the decision to go against what I know God wants for me. I mean I can only imagine God's response to me sometimes. Here I am...you know saying "God...change me....help me to learn to worship you"...and then i blatantly go against what I know what God was calling me to.

I'm sry Father. I dont deserve anything you have blessed me with. But thank you for your grace.

Father, who am I to be called your daughter? Father, how can you possibly love me for what I am? Jesus, who am I to call you my Savior? How many days, how many moments do I prove myself not only unworthy, but completely worthless? Who am I to worship a King like you...a king so humble you took my sin on your back and carried it to your death. Who am I to bear Your Name, even during times that I completely deface Your glory? Jesus...how can you love me like that? You deserve so much more than I can give you. You deserve so much better than the best I can offer you. What does it mean to wake up every day and realize that it has nothing to do with me...and everything to do with you. Can you teach me that kind of selflessness? Spirit, who am I to experience the passion you bring to my life? What is it about you that prods me to places I never thought possible?

Father, you are change. There is nothing you can't do. What is it that breaks your heart? What dreams do you have for me Lord? Father, tear away everything in me that is of me....and restore me to everything that You are.

Jesus, why you suffered and gave your very life for a person like me....I dont understand. But help me wake up every day in the realization that the gift you gave me allows me to live a life of worship. I only wish I could offer more.

Had our abortion debate in Gov't today. It was intense and I loved it. Abortion is such a case of absolutes. At one point me and this guy from the pro-choice side were going at it. Well, not literally. We were actually quite civil, but the questions and the answers were just so....intense...thats the only word I can think of to describe it. Abortion is a subject I'm so passionate about and I used to be extremely pro-life. I still am...but due to my research, I've learned and realized that its not so black and white. Abortion often results from very sad circumstances. But even more heartbreaking is the the fact that a life may never have a chance. I just wish people could be more educated when they make decisions that affect someone besides themselves. So many of the women that have abortions are young and unmarried...and in their fear, the only option they see is abortion. What about adoption? Since when did not being wanted dictate that someone doesnt deserve to live? People have the right to freedom of choice...but that freedom is not guaranteed once it affects the life of another. Think about the plans that God may have had for that person. Think about the impact that one person...that one life..could have on the world. Abortion completely throws away the sacredness of life...something I dont even feel we as humans have the right to grant. Since when do we have the right to decide who lives and who dies? Lets stop playing God.