Monday, February 23, 2004
Life has just thrown so much at me...and its been a blessing. These past few months have taught me patience (at least tried), they've taught me empathy, and they've helped show me how to just live day to day; facing each day as it comes. But I've realized something. Theres something I have yet to learn.
It's not that i'm unhappy. Its just that I've come to find a place where I dont have to be happy...or sad. Its safe. But I have a desire to get to place where I can smile and not have a reason. Why is it so hard for someone like me to just be happy? I keep telling myself that when (fill in blank here) happens, I will be happy; that I'll be content. But thats just a dream. I need to find happiness. Here. Now. In this moment.
There's only one problem. I don't know how.
God, how do I learn to live life the way you created it to be?
Do I embrace the Life you've given me...and the fullness of every opportunity that entails...or do i cast it aside and lose out simply because I desire safety?
What would a life of pure happiness look like?
It's not that i'm unhappy. Its just that I've come to find a place where I dont have to be happy...or sad. Its safe. But I have a desire to get to place where I can smile and not have a reason. Why is it so hard for someone like me to just be happy? I keep telling myself that when (fill in blank here) happens, I will be happy; that I'll be content. But thats just a dream. I need to find happiness. Here. Now. In this moment.
There's only one problem. I don't know how.
God, how do I learn to live life the way you created it to be?
Do I embrace the Life you've given me...and the fullness of every opportunity that entails...or do i cast it aside and lose out simply because I desire safety?
What would a life of pure happiness look like?
Sunday, February 22, 2004
Sometimes life is tiring, even when you get 12 hours of sleep.
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Geez sometimes you just want to wring people's necks. Especially those of the male gender. Ok, so I feel like I have this awesome connection with this guy...and then i call him up in tears about a rough day and hes so caught up in what hes doing he doesnt even notice. It's just guys in general...they are absolutely clueless. And I don't blame them. One of my close guy friends said this one time and it pretty much sums up the male/female world. "Guys may not understand women....but we understand ourselves. Which is more than I can say for women because they don't understand us(men) or themselves." So true. I don't understand myself half the time. Estrogen sucks. And I sure don't understand female emotions. It's scary how emotional women get.
More importantly you better check for some flying pigs... because people I have B in Chemistry. Yes thats a B as in the letter right after A in the alphabet. B as in Baboon. Yup. Don't know how I did it...but yeah.
God is good. Getting closer with some school friends. And stepping away from some unhealthy relationships I had before. Life is a pain in the ass, but its worth it when you're walkin in Jesus' footsteps. Now if only I could see the footprints more clearly....I get lost too often.
Got a letter from my friend in the National Guard. Miss talking to him.
Overall...its been a kinda blah week. But the weekend is coming.
-Ashley
More importantly you better check for some flying pigs... because people I have B in Chemistry. Yes thats a B as in the letter right after A in the alphabet. B as in Baboon. Yup. Don't know how I did it...but yeah.
God is good. Getting closer with some school friends. And stepping away from some unhealthy relationships I had before. Life is a pain in the ass, but its worth it when you're walkin in Jesus' footsteps. Now if only I could see the footprints more clearly....I get lost too often.
Got a letter from my friend in the National Guard. Miss talking to him.
Overall...its been a kinda blah week. But the weekend is coming.
-Ashley
Saturday, February 14, 2004
Should have posted this Friday...but had no internet connection and so I saved it in word:
Had an AMAZING day today.
Started out the worst...i was almost late to school...i didnt finish a project that was due today...and well...I had Latin with Mrs. Ivers today. nuff said. This week has just been so crazy. It always shocks me to see how much just one week can change things.
But then I got to 5th period and we had a sub. And so I pulled my usual..."can I go to the restroom" schpeal(how do you spell that?) and then make a beeline to the vending machine. (like a sub would let you leave to get food) On the way to the vending machine, my friend Mere was sittin out in the hall makin up a test...and after about a 10 min convo we decided to skip the last block period today.
We went out to lunch at Red Robins and it was great. She's goin through exactly what I am right now with so much in her life...and its just such a relief to talk to someone that I know understands. I know that my friends would be right there for them if i needed them....but sometimes I feel like such a bother...and I feel like I just dwell on things so I dont want to waste their time with something i've already talked with them about. But anyways...Meredith...I know shes goin through the same stuff...and so its healing for both of us to talk.
I am so thankful for all my friends...every single one. Because I can relate with each one in different ways, and each one has helped me through different parts of my life. But theres a desire in all of us not only to be heard...but to be understood. Perhaps that's what draws us to God sometimes, His understanding of each person...the fact that He knows even the number of hairs on our heads.
But anyways...theres this one issue in my life that I made so much progress with on my own...but its been heartbreaking as well. And all along, even though I have so many friends that listened to me talk about it....and helped me....there was this yearning for someone to just understand. To be able to sit and talk to someone about this certain situation that I'm struggling with...and to have them empathize to the point that they can finish my sentences; that they are going through a situation so similar that when I listen to them talk...I hear myself.....well its beautiful. And today...well I realized I have a friend who really understands. And its refreshing. Its a relief. I think I've found another piece of my solace.
Thank you Meredith...you thanked me for listening to you....but you are the one who helped me.
Thank you Jesus for the fellowship of Your children.
-Ashley
Had an AMAZING day today.
Started out the worst...i was almost late to school...i didnt finish a project that was due today...and well...I had Latin with Mrs. Ivers today. nuff said. This week has just been so crazy. It always shocks me to see how much just one week can change things.
But then I got to 5th period and we had a sub. And so I pulled my usual..."can I go to the restroom" schpeal(how do you spell that?) and then make a beeline to the vending machine. (like a sub would let you leave to get food) On the way to the vending machine, my friend Mere was sittin out in the hall makin up a test...and after about a 10 min convo we decided to skip the last block period today.
We went out to lunch at Red Robins and it was great. She's goin through exactly what I am right now with so much in her life...and its just such a relief to talk to someone that I know understands. I know that my friends would be right there for them if i needed them....but sometimes I feel like such a bother...and I feel like I just dwell on things so I dont want to waste their time with something i've already talked with them about. But anyways...Meredith...I know shes goin through the same stuff...and so its healing for both of us to talk.
I am so thankful for all my friends...every single one. Because I can relate with each one in different ways, and each one has helped me through different parts of my life. But theres a desire in all of us not only to be heard...but to be understood. Perhaps that's what draws us to God sometimes, His understanding of each person...the fact that He knows even the number of hairs on our heads.
But anyways...theres this one issue in my life that I made so much progress with on my own...but its been heartbreaking as well. And all along, even though I have so many friends that listened to me talk about it....and helped me....there was this yearning for someone to just understand. To be able to sit and talk to someone about this certain situation that I'm struggling with...and to have them empathize to the point that they can finish my sentences; that they are going through a situation so similar that when I listen to them talk...I hear myself.....well its beautiful. And today...well I realized I have a friend who really understands. And its refreshing. Its a relief. I think I've found another piece of my solace.
Thank you Meredith...you thanked me for listening to you....but you are the one who helped me.
Thank you Jesus for the fellowship of Your children.
-Ashley
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Guess what? Had that...God feeling today. Its hard to explain. Like excitement, and giddiness, and goosebumps all at the same time. Havent had that feeling in a while...and its...EXCITING. I dont know how else to put it.
Oh yeah...as a follow up to my post about love the other day....i've got it. I've figured it out.
Humanity is blind to the simplicity of love. Love is perhaps the most simple part of our lives....and its that simplicity that baffles us all. Everything else in life requires thinking, analyzation, energy....it requires something of us. We feel like we have to understand everything. Love can't be understood, doesnt want to be understood, because there is nothing rational about it. Love makes absolutely NO sense; that's the perfection of it. God knew when He created love it would be revolutionary. No...God is love...and that's why HE IS REVOLUTION. No one can know Jesus and be unchanged.
Oh yeah...as a follow up to my post about love the other day....i've got it. I've figured it out.
Humanity is blind to the simplicity of love. Love is perhaps the most simple part of our lives....and its that simplicity that baffles us all. Everything else in life requires thinking, analyzation, energy....it requires something of us. We feel like we have to understand everything. Love can't be understood, doesnt want to be understood, because there is nothing rational about it. Love makes absolutely NO sense; that's the perfection of it. God knew when He created love it would be revolutionary. No...God is love...and that's why HE IS REVOLUTION. No one can know Jesus and be unchanged.
Sunday, February 08, 2004
Valentine's Day. The annual celebration of love.
I wonder if God looks down and shakes his head when He sees our pathetic attempts at what we call love.
I wonder even if I know what real love is. Well, God is showing me, thats for sure. And I'm glad to be learning from Him, because I've screwed up pretty bad when it comes to all this love stuff in the past.
And so this Valentine's Day I am going to do my best to really understand what this love stuff is all about. Or.....
At least take a step closer to understanding.
Why did God have to make love so confusing? Or is it just humanity that is blinded to the clarity of True Love?
I wonder if God looks down and shakes his head when He sees our pathetic attempts at what we call love.
I wonder even if I know what real love is. Well, God is showing me, thats for sure. And I'm glad to be learning from Him, because I've screwed up pretty bad when it comes to all this love stuff in the past.
And so this Valentine's Day I am going to do my best to really understand what this love stuff is all about. Or.....
At least take a step closer to understanding.
Why did God have to make love so confusing? Or is it just humanity that is blinded to the clarity of True Love?
Saturday, February 07, 2004
Time changes everything. And sometimes thats hard to accept. Have you ever looked back at your life...over a couple of years...and realized how drastically you've changed? Sometimes I wish I could see what God has in store for me in the future. But then I realize something: if any of us knew what God was going to do in our lives....it would come as such a shock....we would never believe it....we would think that we were unqualified...and we would deny that it was what we needed to be doing. And so I'm learning to be content in knowing that I am in His hands. Who knows where I will be in 10 years. Who knows where I will be in ONE year. Its exciting.
I am so happy that I am out of the darkness...happy that I dont have my depression suffocating me anymore. Yet there is always that fear that its just a fluke...and that I'm going to fall again.
I'm always careful about who I tell about my depression. I am more than happy to share it with anyone who can benefit from knowing...such as someone who may be struggling with it as well. Yet I dont just walk up to anyone on the street and tell them. People dont realized that my depression doesnt define me....it isnt who I am. Its a part of who I am....just like people who have diabetes or some other illness. There is a part of my depression that I cant control. I cant control a chemical imbalance in my brain. There is so much ignorance when it comes to mental illnesses....and one goal in my life is to help people overcome that ignorance.
I was asked a question the other day that changed the way I looked at everything. Am I thankful for my depression? And i'm suprised to find the answer is yes. See, God knows what a stubborn and prideful daughter i am of His. He knows sometimes I won't come to Him unless I'm in complete brokenness. During the past few months...I've realized something. There is something about God...something about His power, His love....just who He is...that people can never experience until they are completely broken. Until they have nothing left but Him. Until they are at the end of their rope. Because when we turn to Him in those times...we experience Him in the way He always desired us to. We realize His strength in our weakness...and realize none of the strength is our own. Its when we are most open to God's change for us. This past winter...even now...I have felt this God...this God of change...molding my life even when I didnt even acknowledge Him.
God is good.
I am so happy that I am out of the darkness...happy that I dont have my depression suffocating me anymore. Yet there is always that fear that its just a fluke...and that I'm going to fall again.
I'm always careful about who I tell about my depression. I am more than happy to share it with anyone who can benefit from knowing...such as someone who may be struggling with it as well. Yet I dont just walk up to anyone on the street and tell them. People dont realized that my depression doesnt define me....it isnt who I am. Its a part of who I am....just like people who have diabetes or some other illness. There is a part of my depression that I cant control. I cant control a chemical imbalance in my brain. There is so much ignorance when it comes to mental illnesses....and one goal in my life is to help people overcome that ignorance.
I was asked a question the other day that changed the way I looked at everything. Am I thankful for my depression? And i'm suprised to find the answer is yes. See, God knows what a stubborn and prideful daughter i am of His. He knows sometimes I won't come to Him unless I'm in complete brokenness. During the past few months...I've realized something. There is something about God...something about His power, His love....just who He is...that people can never experience until they are completely broken. Until they have nothing left but Him. Until they are at the end of their rope. Because when we turn to Him in those times...we experience Him in the way He always desired us to. We realize His strength in our weakness...and realize none of the strength is our own. Its when we are most open to God's change for us. This past winter...even now...I have felt this God...this God of change...molding my life even when I didnt even acknowledge Him.
God is good.
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Wow, its been a while. So much has happened, I dont even know where to begin. I am a different person. Its amazing what a couple months can change. I'm slowing climbing out of the hole I dug myself into. I can finally see some light! What a relief. Sometimes I find it amazing what I do to myself...the darkness I find.
I'm convinced that a broken heart is a physical sickness. I cant believe some of the things I found myself doing. Lies, deception, brokenness, anger, hopelessness....this was me. A broken heart can drastically change the way you look at the world. It was like a horrible disease that I couldnt beat...no matter how hard I fought. And then I realized...I just wasnt fighting it with the right weapon: Jesus.
EXCITING NEWS! I'm finally moving forward. I've heard that first love is always the hardest, and so I know it will always own part of my heart. But things change. And I'm ready to, too. I feel so much stronger...and I'm finding out what I'm made of, who I am. And I'm uncovering the old me, the passionate girl who loved life, the girl I deserted. Theres this song by Nicole Nordeman that I love. Here are the lyrics.
Bless the day
This restoration is complete
Dirty dusty something must be underneath
So I scrape and I scuff
Though it's never quite enough
I'm starting to see me finally
A gallery of paintings new and paintings old
I guess it's no surprise that I'm no Michelangelo
Every layer of mine hides a lovely design
It might take a little patience
It might take a little time
But you called me beautiful
When you saw my shame
And you placed me on the wall
Anyway
You who have begun this work will someday see
A portrait of the holiness you meant for me
So I polish and shine
til it's easier to find even an outline of mine
But you called me beautiful
When you saw my shame
And you placed me on the wall
Anyway
Anyway
And you placed me on the wall
Anyway
Unfortunately, I hurt alot of my relationships in the midst of my self discovery. I feel so much anomosity towards me....and I know that I burned alot of bridges. I dont know where to begin rebuilding them...but I'm workin on it. But at the same time, I've learned who really cares about ME...and not who they want me to be. The friends that stuck it out with me...I wouldnt give up for anything. They saw the worst of me...how ugly I can be. And yet they still loved me.
Part of me still wants to hold on to my old life. Because I know what to expect if I stay there, and I am a control freak so that appeals to me. The fact that I have no idea what my future holds on the Right Path scares me. But the idea of missing out on God's best for me...His dreams...scares me more. And so I'm learning to trust.....learning to trust...for the millionth time. I have a feelin this is something I'm gonna be doin alot in my life.
I promise I'll write more now...I love just sittin here and letting everything out...it brings me peace.
Ashley
I'm convinced that a broken heart is a physical sickness. I cant believe some of the things I found myself doing. Lies, deception, brokenness, anger, hopelessness....this was me. A broken heart can drastically change the way you look at the world. It was like a horrible disease that I couldnt beat...no matter how hard I fought. And then I realized...I just wasnt fighting it with the right weapon: Jesus.
EXCITING NEWS! I'm finally moving forward. I've heard that first love is always the hardest, and so I know it will always own part of my heart. But things change. And I'm ready to, too. I feel so much stronger...and I'm finding out what I'm made of, who I am. And I'm uncovering the old me, the passionate girl who loved life, the girl I deserted. Theres this song by Nicole Nordeman that I love. Here are the lyrics.
Bless the day
This restoration is complete
Dirty dusty something must be underneath
So I scrape and I scuff
Though it's never quite enough
I'm starting to see me finally
A gallery of paintings new and paintings old
I guess it's no surprise that I'm no Michelangelo
Every layer of mine hides a lovely design
It might take a little patience
It might take a little time
But you called me beautiful
When you saw my shame
And you placed me on the wall
Anyway
You who have begun this work will someday see
A portrait of the holiness you meant for me
So I polish and shine
til it's easier to find even an outline of mine
But you called me beautiful
When you saw my shame
And you placed me on the wall
Anyway
Anyway
And you placed me on the wall
Anyway
Unfortunately, I hurt alot of my relationships in the midst of my self discovery. I feel so much anomosity towards me....and I know that I burned alot of bridges. I dont know where to begin rebuilding them...but I'm workin on it. But at the same time, I've learned who really cares about ME...and not who they want me to be. The friends that stuck it out with me...I wouldnt give up for anything. They saw the worst of me...how ugly I can be. And yet they still loved me.
Part of me still wants to hold on to my old life. Because I know what to expect if I stay there, and I am a control freak so that appeals to me. The fact that I have no idea what my future holds on the Right Path scares me. But the idea of missing out on God's best for me...His dreams...scares me more. And so I'm learning to trust.....learning to trust...for the millionth time. I have a feelin this is something I'm gonna be doin alot in my life.
I promise I'll write more now...I love just sittin here and letting everything out...it brings me peace.
Ashley
