Liberation: My Quest to Find True Freedom

Yeah so I read something in English class today called "Self Reliance" by Emerson and I found it so intruiging. See....I love writing, reading, any kind of English. I love expressing myself through words. And I love reading expressions of others' emotions through their writing as well. I just can't get enough of it. I am awestuck by the fact that there is so many ideas and books and information...so much out there I dont know and am hungry for. When I go to the library...for example the Cincinnati public library...It excites me to see all those books. Lol I'm such a dork. Eh, but lifes more fun that way.

ok so does anyone else find this messed up?
I passed a church the other day during halloween week and their sign said " Don't be afraid of the 'Holy Ghost'!"

Found out that a close friend of mine's mom may have a brain tumor. Scary stuff.
I'm at this place in my life where I wish I could just hear any good news at all....instead of all this other crap.
I'm sure she'd appreciate your prayers if you are reading this.

My world is nothing but conflict. People screaming what they want from me, my recent decisions to choose sin over God, the desperation I feel for the love of my Father, the brokenness i see in my friends lives and the feeling that I can't do anything to help, so much death...its not fair, ending relationships that I don't know how to fix no matter how hard i try, the disappointment i feel when i think of who i am becoming....I have never felt so completely helpless. I honestly cant find the words to even explain how desperate i feel. And thats a big thing for me...there have been so few times in my life where i havent been able to express my feelings.

I read these words earlier today: "I shall look at the world through tears. Perhaps I shall see things that dry-eyed I could not see."-Nicholas Wolterstorff

My heart is broken, it is breaking even now for the things i see in this world. As if there isnt enough hurt in peoples lives, instead of helping we just burn those people even more. I am overwhelmed by the realization of how much we all need Jesus. Yet I'm scared. Because I can't trust. Anyone. And I feel myself turning callous before my very eyes. Things that once bothered me so much, that I knew were wrong, I dont even care about anymore.

I'm falling into this hole of nothingness. Whats worse...pain and suffering....or apathy?

I desire to know the real Jesus...the Jesus most of us will never experience because of the limits we put on who we think He should be. I desire to feel the healing of a Savior that promises hope. I desire to find the true heart of Jesus and to never turn back once I find it.
I want Jesus to rock my world. But maybe thats what Hes already doing.
Jesus is the only thing I have....theres nothing left to depend on but Him.

I just wish I knew where to find Him. It should be so simple yet I make it so hard.
I can't remember the last time my soul smiled.

Yeah so today is a new day. And I'm ready to embrace whatever that means. Ok...I lied. I'm trying to embrace whatever that means. So many possibilities...its crazy. Yet sometimes I'm so lost in the past. God is a constant suprise...and I never get used to it. Maybe thats what He wants.

I'm feeling strong, confident. I'm feeling adventurous. I am craving newness, something else to think about besides the memories in my mind. I crave the change God brings, and that He wants for me. I crave happiness...but not the kind of the world...the kind He brings. I forget what thats like. I've been on a rollercoaster of emotion for so long that I'm dizzy and I want a foundation, something to stand on that doesnt change.

Yet I want to reach beyond my limits. I dont want to limit myself.

I am ready to take on the world.

Tired of all the world's expectations, busyness, hopelessness and broken promises. Burned by the guy I reluctantly gave my heart to. Upset with letting someone see such raw emotion, for letting someone see my heart and soul. Resentful for allowing myself to love someone and losing control. Angry for not being more careful about giving my heart away. Crushed by the idea of being rejected by the one person who could hurt me worst. Irate because I made the choice to trust someone again, only to find out that once again, the person was untrustworthy. Disgusted with myself for actually believing the lies I was fed by this boy I love. Haunted by the smile that makes my knees weak. Determined to find out the defintion of True Love as found in my Savior. Lost in the crowd of millions. Alone in a desperate world. Passionate about the God I know. Hopeful that God's faithfulness will sustain me. Scared by the vulnerability I feel. Torn between faith and common sense. Fearful that the only One I have may be just an emotional invention. Uneasy about the change in my life. Excited for the plans He has in store for me in the future. Wondering if I will ever know the feeling of contentment again.

I feel so much emotion; my mind reels and spins. I need the comfort and sanctuary only He can provide. I just want to escape.

Sometimes I am amazed at how often the world, and even I, miss the reality of who Christ is. The other day when I was eating breakfast with a friend, the topic of religion came up. This friend proceeded to tell me that they didnt believe in the "religion of Christianity". But wait a second..."the religion of Christianity"...isnt that an oxymoron? Jesus came to end Religion. He wasnt about rules, he wasnt about obligations in order to be righteous. Ironically, the 'religious leaders' of Christ's time were so blinded by their hypocrisy and the legalism of their faith that they missed the Son of God right before them. When He was healing people, performing miracles, and changing the world....the religious leaders were telling him that He was breaking all the rules. And He was. Jesus was the original revolutionary. He opposed everything society was. He hung out with the untouchables, the shepherds, the leppars, the people no one dared to even look at and He dared to call them "Child". Jesus came because God realized that we're human and we're screw-ups. He came to end all the rules....HE CAME TO GIVE US REAL LIFE. He came to give us Truth. He is God...and He CHOSE to die on a cross just so He could be with you. So next time you think being a Christian means rules, legalism, and a boring'goody-goody' life....try again. Search a little deeper and find out Who Christ really is. A life in pursuit of Him is dangerous; its an adventure. And its so worth it.

Writing is my outlet. Its how I express myself. Jesus is my only hope. And that is what this is going to be about.